What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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