Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
