my phone needs a breathalizer
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
