I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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