Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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