apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
