Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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