Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my being single is dangerous.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
