She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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