Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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