How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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