hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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