She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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