It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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