Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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