so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
