I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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