This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I cockslap morals
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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