U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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