enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
