i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
