I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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