god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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