I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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