Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
