Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
