my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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