im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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