Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
