listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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