2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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