my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I need a beard to bite.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Text me some of your sweat
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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