I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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