I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
