dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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