I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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