between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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