dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
