I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
