Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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