My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
