is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
