If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
