Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
