you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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