Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
