my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
