oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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