saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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