Plan B is the new Plan A
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
