Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize