He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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