So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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