youre lurking in front of me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
