I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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