Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
